Battle of the Cable News Personalities

March 12th, 2008 in Featured Posts by Hillel Aron

“T.V. party tonight!
T.V. party tonight!
T.V. party tonight!
T.V. party tonight!
We’re gonna have a T.V. party tonight!
Alright!”

- Black Flag, T.V. Party

Can’t decide where to get your election coverage, CNN or MSNBC? Perhaps I can help.

The Star
Keith Olbermann vs. Larry King
Both Olbermann and King host their respective networks’ highest rated shows. Olbermann’s show is more new style cable news, featuring lots of commentary and dry wit. King’s is strictly an interview show.

King is the model of an objective journalist. He is also a relic. The man was born before we had electricity. His hairpiece is bizarre. His suspenders are embarrassing. Olbermann can be sanctimonious and preachy, but at least he’s entertaining. I like him best when he’s paired with Chris Matthews, acting like a rebellious teenager who’s forced to be the adult while babysitting his younger, ADD-afflicted brother.

Verdict: Olbermann

The Anchor
Brian Williams vs. Anderson Cooper
Both are news anchors. Both function as the boring news guy that makes the occasional joke while transitioning to the next story.

I’ve always considered Brian Williams to be witty, intelligent, and self-deprecating. He even contributed to a blog-discussion thing on Slate about The Sopranos. As a TV anchor, though, he seems pretty white bread.

Anderson Cooper is boring too, but a different kind of boring. It’s as if he pretends to be boring to hide his ulterior motives. Indeed, he worked for a time as an intern for the CIA. Maybe it’s because he used to work in reality television, but I always get a sense that he’s not taking anyone seriously.

Verdict: Cooper

The Interrogator
Tim Russert vs. Wolf Blitzer
These reporters like to think of themselves as “keeping the politicians honest.” They like nothing more than to read off a quote from six years ago and try to catch their opponent in some kind of trap. Both are obnoxious, both take themselves way too seriously.

When Wolf went after Cheney about Cheney’s lesbian daughter, it was entertaining, but mostly because Dick Cheney is so close to the personification of pure evil. Russert, on the other hand, can be ravenous, as we saw recently when he went after Obama. He can be a bit of a blowhard — the questions he asks are almost ten minutes long!

Ultimately, Russ is better at his job, which makes him much more irritating.

Verdict: Wolf

The Crackpot
Chris Matthews vs. Lou Dobbs

Like our previous categories, these pundits also think they are “holding the politicians’ feet to the fire.” Both are smart. Both are famous. Both are completely out of their minds.

Matthews has been unnaturally negative about Hillary Clinton, suggesting at one time that her front-runner status was due to her husband’s affair. This is not to say that Matthews isn’t entertaining. After an Obama speech, he described “a thrill” going up his leg. Keith Olbermann had to calm him down. Another time, he went after an under-informed Obama supporter with such force that it put Tim Russert to shame. Somehow, it seemed more fun, though. That’s what television should be!

Lou Dobbs, too, has a chip on his shoulder. About immigrants. Illegal immigrants. His show is almost single mindedly focused on stopping illegal immigration. This is done under the guise of protecting the middle class, but it comes off as xenophobia.

Verdict: Matthews

The Nerd
Chuck Todd vs. Bill Schneider
They parse the exit poll data. They talk demographics. They don’t care about policy. They trade in delegate counts and color maps. Without these nerds, campaign coverage would be a bunch of people screaming at each other.

This is the toughest one for me, personally. I’ve always liked Bill Schneider, with his gee wiz attitude and Peter Boyle-like features. I even met him once at an Obama rally! Nice guy.

But recently I’ve fallen under the spell of Chuck Todd. He’s not quite as numbers oriented as Schneider but he’s better at seeing the forest for the trees.

Verdict: Chuck

The Winnner: MSNBC

P.S.: Here’s the photo of me with Bill Schneider.

– Hillel Aron