Senator John McCain is an angry, angry man and you would be too: tortured by the Vietcong, punk’d by George W. Bush in 2000, reviled by self-important talk jocks.

And don’t get him started on his wife.

In the new muckraking tome The Real McCain: Why Conservatives Don’t Trust Him and Why Independents Shouldn’t, author Cliff Schecter recounts an alleged exchange between the current Republican Presidential nominee and his wife during his 1992 Senate re-election bid.

The Senator was on the campaign trail flanked by reporters and staff when his wife ran her fingers through his hair, presumably playfully, and said, “You’re getting a little thin up there.”

According to interviews with reporters (who spoke both on and off-the-record to Schecter), McCain allegedly replied, “At least I don’t plaster makeup like a trollop, you cunt.”

Oh snap, Granddad! Do not mess with The Mack or the Mack will mess with you! He will use pimp 19th century words like “trollop,” and crack you in the monocle with his walking stick! Huzzah! He’ll drop the c-bomb and beer bong a can of Ensure! Then he will nap in the afternoon, and snore like a pissed off grizzly bear!

He Who Would Be President does not take guff, lip, or disrespect. An admirable quality in a leader, but more on that later…

Already famous throughout Capitol Hill for his temper, this revelation will come as no surprise to Washington DC insiders. According to Schecter’s book, the Senator has been known to refer to his colleagues as “shitheads,” “fucking jerks,” and other locker-room sobriquets.

Like corn-silk haired hunchback Dick Cheney, who once told Vermont Senator Pat Leahy to “fuck off,” Senator McCain is apt at utilizing the vocabulary of bullies that Republicans prefer, mistaking it for tough talk.

Supporters of John McCain will, and have, brushed off accusations that the Senator’s fiery temper is anything less than an asset. After all, he’s a fighter, a scrapper, a patriotic pugilist who will go to the mat against the enemies of America, unlike his Democratic counterparts who openly weep and flee at the suggestion of conflict.

Democrats routinely point out that if elected President, Senator McCain’s uncontrollable emotions would be a national embarrassment, and a potential foreign policy risk. He would be the Presidential equivalent of that old man on the porch screeching at the neighborhood kids to get off his lawn.

And that is why, personally, I think the doddering old coot’s Tourette’s-like rampages are refreshing and his legendary habit of becoming irrationally unhinged an antidote to the calm façade of our political discourse.

Let’s elect a man so thin-skinned that he can casually and publicly unload both rhetorical shotgun barrels on the mother of his children. At the very least, his unpredictable fits of rage could shatter the insincere veneer of diplomatic pleasantness. Perhaps he’d free us of the notion that politics is complex, when in fact, politics is purely binary. He would get right to the point, even if it means he has to slash and burn to get there.

Clearly our current President has failed to convince the world they live on Planet USA. You can see him bristle when having to make nice with world leaders. Well, if Jack Mack, a term coined by boob tube she-gabber Whoopi Goldberg, gets the Big Seat, then watch out world! Mind your P’s and Q’s, and do not, under any circumstances, mention The President of the United States’ comb over.

Is John McCain, like any of us, prone to occasional outbursts, especially when stressed? As Schecter points out in his book, McCain sniped at his wife after a long day.

Fair enough.

Plenty of long days yawn ahead of the next President of the United States. Why not vote for a guy we know in advance is going to crack? Because don’t they all? And if you don’t like that, you know where to shove it, trollop.

–John DeVore