For Love of the Game

May 19th, 2008 in That Funny Feeling by Ben Mandelker

Two weeks ago, when Grand Theft Auto IV first hit the shelves, Barack Obama noted that the game would earn “goo-gobs of money” (and yes, that is a scientific term). He also warned that “these video games are raising our kids,” and then went on to say that it was “our” job (not sure if he meant society or just his campaign) to inspire The Kids’ “thirst for knowledge. It’s a noble cause, but as someone whose childhood was shaped by the finer nuances of Pac-Man , Zelda, and the brothers Mario, I took slight umbrage at the suggestion that those of us who partake in pixilated entertainment might somehow contribute to the downfall of society. Granted, gaming nowadays is a bit different than it was in the 80s. Back then, the only learned habits an impressionable youth might come away with would be an unwavering desire to save princesses from apes, turtles, and the occasional fantastical wizard. Needless to say, it was harmless stuff.

The truth is that the youngin’s are always gonna veer towards video games. If Obama wants the next generation to ascend to new academic heights, then maybe he shouldn’t fight the gamers but join them. That’s why I propose a groundbreaking series of games aimed at giving teenagers the visceral thrill of a headshot along with the satisfying rush of The Economist.

Here’s a sampling of what to expect:

Super Joyce Carol Oates Galaxy
Joyce Carol Oates must brave Goombas, Koopa-Troopas, and Bullet Bills as she rushes across the universe to save New Yorker editor David Remnick from the anti-intellectual grips of Bowser. In between stages, you’ll be treated to a Roz Chast cartoon that may or may not make sense, but will surely boost your intelligentsia cred.

Mozart Hero
Grab your violin peripheral and prepare to rock out, Amadeus style. That’s right, for the first time ever, the head thrashing, adrenaline-pumping excitement of Lincoln Center is available right in your bedroom. You, too can be a music snob as you master such classics as “The Magic Flute,” “The Marriage of Figaro,” and, of course, “Symphony No. 39 in E Flat Major, K. 543: IV. Finale. Allegro.” Only a lame Salieri would ignore a package like this.

Sonic the Wine Taster
Sonic has battled many foes but none like the Dom Drouhin Pinot Noir Laurene ‘04. Learn how to appreciate a delicate bouquet with the help of your favorite speedy hedgehog and soon you’ll be able to impress all your friends with your refined palate.

Final NPR Fantasy
Everyone always says you should listen to NPR more often, but it can be a bit dry for the teens. Not anymore. In this new role playing game, you can assemble a party of your favorite NPR personalities and take them on an epic museum tour through Europe. Terry Gross, Garrison Keillor, Robert Siegel — they’re all here and ready for adventure. Slay foes with literary references and earn experience points with topical commentary. By the time you reach the end of the game you’ll have so many anecdotal stories about Serbian farmers that you’ll be the hit of every cocktail party you go to.

So as you can see, video games and the “thirst for knowledge” can co-exist quite nicely. Politicians like Obama have to learn that entertainment can — and perhaps should — raise our youth. After all, there’s nothing a book can tell us that an animated plumber can’t.

–Ben Mandelker