The Bearer of Bad News

May 28th, 2008 in That Funny Feeling by Ben Mandelker

There are many thankless, uncomfortable, and downright terrifying jobs in the world but none might be as singularly difficult and scary as having to face down Hillary Clinton and inform her that yes, it’s over. I don’t know who that person is or will be, but I don’t envy their position. The fact is that someone on Hillary’s staff will probably have to draw the short straw, and when that time comes, he or she better be prepared.

There are many different approaches to handling this situation, but it’s kind of like training a wolverine: one wrong move and you could find your face clawed off. The simplest tactic would be to sit Ms. Clinton down in a chair, preferably in a dark room (thus making it difficult for her to strike you and/or pull your hair, should the impulse arise), and calmly tell her, “It’s over.” Of course, such brutal honesty might lead to a mild altercation — which reminds me: make sure all staplers, flowerpots, and other potentially airborne objects have been removed or bolted down in advance. Should a violent outbreak still arise, be sure to have a garden hose ready, and, if possible, a taser.

Of course, if the point of the exercise is to emerge from the conversation with all body parts intact, a better strategy might be to use the ol’ breakup trap: dinner at a fancy restaurant. We all know the way this goes: you take her to the most expensive, posh place in the area, get her all liquored up on Chateau Margaux, and then, when the timing is right, break the earth-shattering news to her that her campaign no longer has any viability. You can even throw in a token “It’s not you, it’s me” just to smooth things over. If done properly, she might resign herself to the truth and decide that at the very least, she can still enjoy the rest of her delicious meal; if administered incorrectly, however, she may flip the table and punch you in the face. But the genius of this time-tested plan is that no matter how livid Hillary gets, she’ll never want to make a hysterical spectacle in public. Or so we’d like to think. A woman scorned can be a very dangerous thing, and there’s no guarantee you won’t get a glass of water splashed in your face — not to mention the contents of any nearby vase on your head.

The truth is that there will be no easy way to break the news to Hillary. One could always send her a quick missive or perhaps a well-timed email, but then you’d better be ready to take the irate phone call that would most assuredly follow in its wake. Think you can just hit “ignore” and let Hill-Dawg go to voicemail? Yeah, you could. But know that she’ll call back every five minutes on the dot, leaving increasingly vituperative messages that will eventually clog up your entire system, therefore making it impossible for your neighbor to alert you that your hamster, Mr. Fluff, is in grave condition and needs medical attention immediately. That’s right, you won’t hear about your dying pet. All you’ll get is one Hillary rant after another, starting off with a simple “Are you joking with me? Is this some sort of a joke?” leading to “Whoooooo the HELL do you think YOU are?” and finally culminating in a loud, unmitigated tirade consisting of nothing more than nonstop vulgarities and a few scattered prepositions. No, there’s no ignoring Hillary.

I guess there really is no simple solution to the Clinton dilemma. Her staff is probably praying that some random person will swoop in and magically take care of this for them. Maybe James Cromwell, formerly of Babe fame, will appear out of the ether, place his hand on the former First Lady’s shoulder, and say soothingly, “That’ll do, Hillary. That’ll do.” But even if that did happen, he’d still get a swift knee to the groin. The point is, Hillary’s not going down without a fight so my only advice would be: wear a cup.

–Ben Mandelker