Political Persuasions
Ah, election year. For many Americans, it’s a time to celebrate the democratic principals our forefathers fought to preserve. For those that prefer threesomes over a two-party system, it’s simply a great time to get laid.
Indeed, this country’s fleeting interest in all things political provides sexual predators like myself with a whole new playbook to work from.
Tired material regarding a girl’s sign or whether or not heaven’s missing angels can be replaced with seemingly smart questions regarding Obama’s healthcare program, Hillary’s return to the Senate and the relative windproof-ness of McCain’s comb-over.
For your fornicating benefit, I decided to road test a couple of party pickup lines on both a super hot Republican and an equally intoxicating Dem to see what works, what doesn’t, and what gets you kicked in the crotch, spat in the face, and brought to tears in front of your disapproving brohiems. (Long story.)
But before I introduce my beltway babes, a caveat: In these uncertain times, a blonde drinking a Pinot while clad in Izod is just as likely to be a Barack girl as the tramp in cutoffs clutching a PBR is insane for McCain—so a little conversation is needed before determining the political persuasion of the victim… er… object of your affection. (Warning: actual listening may be required.)
On the left we have Laura Schwartz, former White House Director of Events for the Clinton administration and current national political commentator.
Coming at you from the right is Andrea Tantaros, Republican strategist and regular commentator on FOX News.
Between Laura’s blonde hair, blue-eyed bodaciousness and Andrea’s Greek-goddess gams, I think it goes without saying that I’d kill to be the bologna (or Bill-ogna) between this bipartisan sandwich.
So, after drinking deep from my pint of democracy and throwing a roofie in the glasses of my sexy strategists, I gauged their reactions on the following campaign come-ons…
I find McCain’s record on women’s issues to be nothing short of appalling. In fact, we should probably have sex while women still have the right to choose…
LAURA: “So missing the point and so disgusting. I’d fake a phone call and walk away.”
ANDREA: “This does inspire my right to choose… to flip him the bird.”
I think Obama’s email relationship with Scarlett Johansson is as inappropriate as his planned tax on incomes over $250,000 is ignorant. Oh, did I mention I’m rich?
LAURA: “I know a right wing radio personality that uses that line. It doesn’t work.”
ANDREA: “Talking about tax hikes does get me hot and bothered—but not in a good way. And steer clear of conspiracy theories, unless they have to do with the Clintons.”
What do you think of this new Pro-McCain slogan I trademarked: “I’m voting for John ’cause I’ve got a big shlong.”<
LAURA: "It doesn't technically rhyme and, lets face it, you really need to rhyme to win."
ANDREA: "Keep working."
What do you think of this new Pro-Obama slogan I trademarked: “I like Barack… and I love your rack”.
LAURA: “I like the rhyme, but I wouldn’t give him the ‘thyme’.”
ANDREA: “Ditto.”
Oh for four? God, I feel like Ralph Nader—only more celibate. If that’s possible.
Before my wank-worthy wonkettes gave me a goodbye “F you,” I had to ask: what does work when it comes to (awful alliteration alert!) politically persuading pretty pub-crawlers?
“‘I’m not as much into politics as I am passionate about the issues’ works,” says Laura. “For me, it’s about somebody who’s aware of the issues and why they’re important to their life. All of our lives are different and that’s what make us interesting.”
“If all else fails,” she adds, “stick with a conversation about how many varieties of Grey Goose there are behind the bar.”
As for Andrea?
“As a general rule, it’s best not to fake it,” says Tantaros. “Politics is no different. Politically savvy women develop the same type of nausea hearing an uninformed man talk politics as men do when a chick waxes forensic on why the Giants lost Monday Night Football.”
“Oh, and open mindedness is key,” she adds. “It’s a fact that bi-partisans make excellent bedfellows.”
There you have it. What’s right, left and wrong regarding the election — and your erection. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go continue being a virgin.
You’ve inspired me, Bill. I think I am going to try a few similar pickup lines on some male election year meat. Stay tuned for responses from Mort Kondracke & Dick Morris.
Last night I scored with this line, “Obama? I’d like to cut his nuts off.”
It’s all about orientation, presentation, and location.
My club of choice, the “Lock Box”.
O’SCHULZY FACTOR RULZ !!!
These pick-ups are sexxxy as hell. I don’t understand why they didn’t work.
Look at it this way, Bill, no matter who gets elected, you’re probably gonna get screwed anyway…although not the kind of screwing you might want.
Bill you are awesome, but the best of lines aren’t going to help when you look like a muppet.
The following are topical lines that can be used to score in this political season … they are close to being Bill-proof.
#1. Obamas message has been truly inspiring to people all across this nation. The panhandlers have been deeply touched by his calls for “change.”
#2. It is not clear where Alan Keyes came up with the idea to start the Mrs. Butterworth Republicans, but all signs point to a Log Cabin.
#3. Did you know line-item veto is actually code for “I have an 8ball in my pocket and I’d like to snort it off your ass.”
#4. We really seem to be hitting it off … how about we go back to Greg Gutfeld’s basement and play Hanoi Hilton.
As a woman, I’m quite easily swayed by the following lines (caveat: I fall for really bad lines so they might not work on regular women):
“I believe the key to more energy independence is drilling…….drilling you”
Alternative: “I believe the key to energy independence is bringing back the Cleveland Steamer. Shall we start?”
“I’ve decided to back McCain because I would like four more years of Bush…preferably yours”
Poor Bill, Even a roofie didn’t work.. Nice try!
There’s always the tried and true ‘Would you like to take my exit pole?’
or ‘I’m a member of the InMyPants Party, would you care to join with me?’
as a ladeh, I refuse to divulge whether either of those has worked on me or not
Andrea is a hottie.
All of my major celebrity crushes are on Mediterranean women. It must be something in the water over there. Oh BTW. She is very intelligent, so if she is single tell her to come on down!!!
I love you all. “Would you like a P in V with your G and T?” got edited out of this bad boy, so I gave the line to Patti Ann Browne for her recent Red-Eye disclaimer. Still, I believe it’s rhymey enough to work. My black eyes notwithstanding.
I love your articles! Finally, a place to go for humor and even some substance - and talk about substance - Laura is smart and sexy! I’ve been watching her for years and am a big fan of hers - I’d love to see more! Now I have to work on my lines…Thanks!
I’m an Independent, but I have to say that the lovely and politically astute Andrea Tantaros is TOTALLY worth listening to. Granted, I would probably not change party allegiance, but I am more than willing to listen to her viewpoints on all political issues. I also tend to agree with SOME of her opinions on the Clinton’s.
I laughed so hard reading this I pee’d a little…
Luckily I wear adult diapers when reading anything associated with “Red Eye”…(it’s stricktly a comfort thing.)
You guys rock!
=)