Every few years, there seems to be a Republican politician who develops a reputation as a veritable gaffe-master — a person who cannot go more than three days without some sort of verbal mix-up causing him a landslide of ridicule. First we had Dan Quayle, whose infamous “potatoe” incident will forever haunt his Wikipedia page/life (they’re one and the same, right?) Then there was President George W. Bush, who’s had so many bloopers I’m surprised Dick Clark and Ed McMahon haven’t volunteered to host a special about them. Now we have Senator John McCain, the elderly statesman running for President. For years, he never really had a rep for being gaffe-worthy, but as he creeps towards the ripe old age of 72, the slip-ups have been coming fast and furious.

Or have they?

The media has taken McCain to task over his gaffes, but I like to think that they’re not so much errors as they are carefully calculated political moves. Take, for example, his recent alleged confusion over Iraq and Afghanistan. On Good Morning America, he stated, “I’m afraid it’s a very hard struggle, particularly given the situation on the Iraq/Pakistan border.” Now obviously, it’s Afghanistan that borders on Pakistan, but while some may see that as an error, I see that as a searing commentary on the mess in the Middle East. Everything’s turned into chaos out there; names, borders, common sense — they all just don’t even matter anymore. Translation: bomb it all!

Of course, this wasn’t McCain’s only alleged mix-up.”How can we bring pressure on the government of Somalia?” he asked on his “Straight Talk Express.” Everyone laughed at this — surely the grandpa meant “Sudan,” not “Somalia” — but I beg to differ. I think he knew exactly which country he was talking about. Why not put pressure on Somalia? You know, to set an example for Sudan? Heck, to set an example for the world. After all, it’s a well-known fact that as goes Somalia, so goes Sudan. Seriously — get with it, people.

Another time, after a trip to Germany, McCain referred to controversial Russian leader Vladimir Putin as “President Putin of Germany.” To some, this could have seemed “disrespectful” or “curious” or “completely false,” but clearly no one sees the brilliance of such a move. As we all know, the lovely yet sturdy Angela Merkel reigns over Deutschland; so for McCain to say that Putin is the president of Germany — well, it’s basically a veiled way of calling him a girl. Pretty sneaky.Pretty awesome.

Lastly, there was the speech in Phoenix this month where McCain made mention of Czechoslovakia as if it still actually existed. Even worse, this was his third time over the past few months in doing so. Critics again took the opportunity to pounce, but while some may say McCain is either woefully out of touch with the ever-evolving world or simply too old to keep his facts straight, I say pish-posh. Clearly this was his way of subtly reminding us that the specter of communism still lingers in many areas of the world. The Czech Republic and Slovakia could reunite at any moment — as could the Soviet Union. The Cold War 2.0 is nigh, and as long as we have President Putin of Germany acting up, conflict on the Iraqi/Pakistani border, and Somalia murdering hundreds of thousands, our world could plunge right back into chaos. It’s a scary world, and I’m starting to think that John McCain might be the only one to understand it.

–Ben Mandelker

Photo by Marc Nozell